The Aquatic Mammals and I Have Questions For the MerMan Ken Doll

“Bend him at the waist to tell a fish-tale, from “swimming” in the sea to soaking up the sun. Then play out dreams real and imagined because when you enter Dreamtopia with sisters Barbie® and Chelsea™, you wake up to a world where dreams become reality!” – Barbie.Mattel.Com

We mammals see you, Mattel Merman, and your potential future super cousin too, and find ourselves wondering out loud several things. Do you mind if we ask a few questions?

First, it should be noted what mammals, let alone aquatic mammals, are compared to other types of fauna. Mammals are warm-blooded, vertebrate (they have an internal skeleton) animals possessing fur or hair and mammory glands. The females can produce milk to nourish their young, which they bear as live little ones. Aquatic mammals have adapted for the life at sea (or any other body of water), so they birth and nurse live young, wear fur with pride, and come up for air (no they do not breathe under water).

Harbor Seals in all their furry whiskered glory wonder about the absence of the Ken MerMan’s fur.

The Walrus wants to know where is your mustache. The Harbor Seals and Sea Lions want to see your skin a little closer, because they just can’t believe you aren’t covered in slick fur. If you are as bare as you seem, aren’t you cold? I personally was just hoping for some chest hair, maybe a treasure trail, but I’m with Walrus, a ‘stache and/or beard would be cool too. See this ornament seems to have the right idea…

“These are not your average mermen ornaments! With salt & pepper hair, a tropical palm tree tattoo and a flamingo pool floatie, this December Diamonds Flaming Oh merman will surely have you saying Oh! Looks great hanging with Mr. Unicorn.” –

The whales and I are wondering, if you have no fur then you must be living only in the warmest waters of the world, which is cool and all, but then your coloring is all off for survival. Why you are so white and blonde? We don’t seem to be the only ones wondering. A reviewer of you, Dreamtopia Ken Doll, wouldn’t mind if you came in more representative shades. “…my daughter who is mixed, wanted a merman who looked like her daddy more. The selection of mermen is very limited.”

And actually, come to think of it, even the warmest waters get cold with any amount of time spent underwater. We mammals need fat. Science even says so. So where is yours? Even athletic sporty fun, dare I say, sexy dolphins have “Dad Bods.”

Even dolphins have Dad Bods.

Maybe you got your inspiration from Chris, the professional merman, who does have quite the chiseled abdomen. Even he has more pigmentation than you do, though, and the latest Hollywood Aquaman is far from bleach white, and they both boast the beauty of mammalian hair too. So maybe merpeople are the one species of marine mammal that don’t need body fat to survive the cool temps of the water life. But would it hurt if they did?

More and more Mermen are showing up in the spotlight with various body types, and since Mattel has been around for how long? Couldn’t they start to give the kids versions they can relate to, if fantasy is really going to turn to reality for them? Maybe Mattel needs to listen to their reviewers and do a little merman research to provide what truly attracts us- we want what reminds us of our parents (if we were lucky enough to have parents to love). And chances are our parents looked more like this:

And some of these current day Mermen are raising funds for good causes and showing kids how to be awesome role models for their community, while still maintaining the sex appeal the parents who buy Barbie MerMan dolls can appreciate.

Mer’bys of the Newfoundland Labrador Beard and Mustache Club celebrates body positivity and raises funds for charity. All that. Pretty impressive, eh, Mattel?

Maybe you don’t like Canada, Ken, but marine mammals sure do! If you want to be like the dolphins or whales or sea lions, (well, it’s pretty obvious you really don’t want to be a walrus), you could use some celebration of diversity and body positivity too. Which brings me to Walrus’s last question, “Are you anatomically correct?” That is the long-standing question, Ken, isn’t it?

Walrus is far from ashamed of his body, teeth, whiskers, or sexuality.

So let’s just say you’re a fish, not a mammal after all (judging by you Barbie partners, that seems unlikely but let’s go with it for now)… For all we know, you’ll change gender and sexual orientation with time. And there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, we think it’s pretty awesome and support that. Love is love.

You can’t help it if you are a hairless white blonde merman adorned in pink stars. Mattel can help it, though. Seriously, tell Mattel you need to get some brothers from another mother, will you? And eat some cheese over the holidays, grow your chest hair and beard. Let’s see what a merman you really are under those candy-themed stars you’re wearing. Or not.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s